The Clemson CRIPmas Party: a response from a Pro-Black Girl alum.

In case you don’t watch CNN or FOX News, my dear old alma mater is in trouble, its students accused of throwing racially insensitive holiday parties. No, I'm not talking about the Blackface Party Fiasco of 2007. I’m talking about CRIPmas 2014, otherwise known as Clemson’s second major (reported) racial incident in less than 10 years. Sigma Alpha Epsilon, an SAE fraternity, threw their annual “CRIPmas Party”, where frat members and sundry sororities get together in their best Gangsta Themed clothes, sing along to Biggie Smalls albums, and play beer pong. Or, you know, whatever it is that they do at those types of frat parties. I never went to any because you don’t always have to bite the donut to know that it’s sweet.

Or, in this case, you don’t have to go to the party to know that you really don’t belong there. I'm not a party girl in general, but racist frat functions definitely aren't my cup of tea. These good ol’ Clemson kids certainly seem to like them though. After all, it’s an annual CRIPmas Party. And then there was the aforementioned Blackface Party Fiasco of 2007. And all those lovely Yik Yak posts about the Die-In protests last week. You know which ones I’m talking about. “Stay safe, blacks are attacking whites nation wide.” Whites a minority?! Haha. We’ll always been the superiority.” “Clemson used to be a plantation with slaves. Atleast be happy we gave u freedom[.]”

Nothing will show the character of an entire geographical region like anonymous social mobile apps, amirite? Thanks, Yik Yak!!

And what does Jim Clements, Clemson’s newish president, do in the face of this ignorance and poor grammar/syntax? He writes a little letter and puts it on the school website, wherein he basically says, “Guys, this is bad, okay? But y’all need to calm down about Ferguson. And Eric Garner. Let’s not get violent here.” I would say I’m disappointed, but I knew that blame-shift was coming. ...nah, I’m still disappointed. He started out so well! And begging your pardon, Jimbo, but disenfranchised white boys upset that they couldn't play ultimate frisbee on Bowman because of die-in protesters drew first blood with, “Damnet do I have to put a sheet on and go scare the people in front of Tillman away[?]” That sounds like violence to me. Did y'all know that intimidation is a crime punishable by up to 30 days in prison under the South Carolina Code of Law? Because it is!

I’m going to be real with y’all, if that’s alright. Is anyone really surprised that this happened? Because I’m not. Clemson has been wiggling its way out of messy hate crime allegations for a long, long time. They’re old pros at this by now. Same shtick, different day. Tomato. To-mah-tah. To-mah-to?

“Now Lyssa,” you may be saying, “dressing up and having a party is not a hate crime. You might be offended, but it’s not a hate crime,” to which I say, isn’t it? This CRIPmas Party is basically a form of Black minstrelsy. You know what Black minstrelsy is? It’s a type of “performance art” used by white people to mock and otherwise demean Black people and Black culture. The most common form of this is what we know as blackface, and I think that mostly* everyone agrees that that’s bad. It’s psychologically damaging, promotes negative stereotypes of the Black community, and bolsters beliefs of white superiority. In short, Black minstrelsy is a racialized form of violence, and do you know what racially based violence is? That’s right, my friend. That’s a hate crime.

“Lyssa,” you may now be saying, “no one was actually in blackface!” To this I say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you were thinking of white people every time you heard the word Crip/Blood/Folk. My mistake. Do carry on with your day.”

Sip on that tea for a minute. Or, if you need something stronger, keep reading.

I’ll be fair. It’s not just the SAE, IFC, and NPC men and women running around campus with their TuPac t-shirts and fake butts in miniskirts and brown face paint, though they’re the best hands down at getting caught. Bravo, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Alpha Phi, and all other Greek-lettered individuals who actually participated in this disgusting display on being a disgrace to all of us Greeks and on being so spectacularly mediocre. But this is not your burden alone. I had plenty of self-proclaimed liberal, GDI white friends in college who voted for Obama in 2008 and were also low-key racist and full of microaggressions. My homeboy that “wasn’t attracted to Black girls” (a problematic statement in and of itself, but we won't talk about that today) had an undeniable crush on one of my few Black girl friends that he denied every chance he got. Another guy I knew didn’t see a problem at all with The Blackface Party Fiasco of 2007, because, you know, “people dress up as rich old white guys all the time.” He was on student council. I used to see my friend’s parents, Clemson alums themselves, on campus at sporting events I attended with him; they were very nice, but later my friend would chuckle as he told me how his dad had asked him, “You’re not dating That Black Girl, are you?” after I left. I knew 2 guys who made jokes about Black people being on tv because it was MLK Day. One told me I was “being too sensitive” when I called him on it the next day (a staple retort learned in Racism 101), yet still thought he was better than his sister who thought that “only a fully white person should be president.” An RA from another floor once talked to my RA and some others about a white girl she knew that went by “Gel” instead of Angelica. “Are you sure she wasn’t Black?” because that’s an easy thing to mix up, and then, “Shh! A Black girl lives right there!” They were standing outside my door. There was also the staff who never went forward when I reported being called “the dark one” and other racist names by my friends’ RA who couldn’t seem to decide if he hated my Black guts or wanted to notch his belt with me, and then just decided to multitask. My friends thought he was funny. One friend who met my family later only seemed to remember how, “It’s so funny how all of you say ‘Mmmhmmm chil'!’" And those are just the ones I care to make examples of right now. There are plenty more.

You want names? Come talk to me. I’ll give them to you. I keep my receipts.

Like I said. This isn't just a Greek Life problem. It is fundamentally a Clemson University problem because these people were RAs, student council members, student organization leaders, and athletes. This whole “One Clemson” family thing is a lie. There is Black Clemson, and White Clemson, and Sri Lankan Clemson, and Korean Clemson; White Greek Clemson, Black Greek Clemson, Service Frat Clemson, and a lot of other Clemsons, plus a few brave souls who dare cross the lines outside of class. Let us not forgot that Clemson doesn’t have the greatest history with race relations in general, no matter how hard they push Harvey Gantt in our faces. Talk to your elders from the area and see what they tell you. Read a book. Google it. Remember: Clemson was founded on plantation land by a plantation owner’s son-in-law who was so influenced by Benjamin Tillman--a US Senator that did some cool stuff for agriculture, I guess, but who was directly responsible for a lot of white supremacist legislature and a vocal proponent of Lynch Laws and Jim Crow--that he made him a chairman of the (then) college and named the clock tower after him. You know the clock tower. It's that pretty red brick building you see on all the commercials and postcards and paintings.

Do you see what I’m saying? Respect for Black students isn’t in Clemson’s culture. It wasn’t there from the very beginning, and many of the non-Black students that the school attracts act accordingly. This bigotry was put in between the brick and mortar of Tillman Hall itself. It is a vicious cycle of hate and iniquity that dies with every graduation ceremony and is reborn with each incoming freshman class. Jim Clements thinks that Clemson is “better than this,” but is it? Is it really? Because this seems to keep happening, and it’s not those same kids from 2007 that are making it so.

Here's some more realness for you. I’m both a pro-Black girl and pro-Black girl. This does not mean that I am anti-non-Black, anti-white, anti-Black man, etc. It means, in the words of  Malcolm X, that I am Black first. My sympathies are Black, my allegiances are Black, my whole objectives are Black. I’ve been a pro-Black girl so hard and for so long that in high school when I asked for college recommendations my French teacher wrote that I was “dedicated to disproving stereotypes.” I’m so staunchly pro-Black that when I studied abroad one of my professors approached me about helping him teach a two-part seminar on Black History in the United States (and I did). It is because I am a pro-Black girl that I cannot like Clemson University, much less love it. How dare I love a place that hates me, and still claim to love myself? The short answer is that I can’t. The long answer is this:

I do not want to sing your football chants, I do not want to rub your rock, I do not want to go to your alumni parties (will there be blackface there too?), I do not want to wear orange on Fridays. It makes me physically ill to set foot in that godforsaken hill country where the Blue Ridge yawns “I’m racist!” Let me be plain: I hate that place as much as I love myself and my people. It’s not a safe, healthy, or good environment for our Black and brown children to enter into, and honestly I mistrust any Black or brown person that likes the orange and purple too much. That means I give a lot of side-eye at a lot of people I love. I give it to some of my former classmates, to my friends, my sorors, my old professors, my uncles, to anyone with a paw print or orange flags flying on their car. I pity their babies with their big purple bows and little orange overalls and their cheerleader outfits at tailgates. My Black children, who will be Black to this country regardless as to whether or not their other parent is Black, white, Thai, Montenegrin, or Indigenous Australian, will not be Clemson alums, so help me God. I will not take them on walks around Bowman Field, or to 55 Exchange for ice cream; they will not come with me to homecoming because I will not be going. Not when it is my job to protect them. Not if I don’t want them to look back on their college years like I do: with bitterness and hate and regret.

Some time this week, I am finding out who to call to get my name off of the alumni donation solicitations list and I’m calling them. I’ll even ask them nicely to take me off. I only ever throw that stuff in the trash anyway.

If Clemson doesn’t want to respect or value my Black personhood, they sure as hell don’t deserve my Black money.

The Clemson Experience

Clemson is all about this thing called “The Clemson Experience.” To the university, that means that every student is the happy, football loving 20-something that gets interviewed for polls in the Princeton Review. They wear orange every Friday, turn up every Thursday, and show up drunk on camera on game day. I am not that 20-something. And this is my Clemson experience.

In class the other week, one of my classmates went off on a rant about poor service he received at a bank where he wasn’t an account holder. Someone had written him a check, he had gone to their bank to cash it, and the teller had the audacity to tell him that the bank’s policy required a $5 fee on transactions like his. In his own words, “it got ugly in that lobby.” Part of his tirade? “I know you don’t want these Hispanics,” he spat the word like venom, “from [a plant nearby] coming in here cashing their paychecks, but this check was drawn on this bank!” He called the bank manager and the regional manager. Apparently being a non-Latino white male means you don’t have to pay to get your checks cashed at banks where you have no account. He laughed like he was proud of himself for being so clever.

As this happened, my professor, seeing that I was offended, offered me an apologetic smile and a nervous laugh. Racists, you know? They’re just so cheeky. What can you do?

When I was freshman, I dealt with a lot of harassment. Racially insensitive jokes. Predatory sexual advances. General disrespect. I reported my friends’ RA for these things. The university never did a thing about it.

When I was a sophomore, I was talking with friends about that MLK Day Black-Face Party from 2007, the year before we matriculated. One of them was lying with his head in my lap and said, “I don’t see what the big deal is about [the party]." When I reminded him that white students painted themselves Black and stuffed padding in their skirts he said, "It’s just a party.” I left the apartment. I don’t think I ever spoke to him again. It’s a shame, really: he was smart, and handsome, and had a beautiful voice. If he hadn’t had such terrible views on my culture as costume, he’d have made an excellent trophy husband.

I had a roommate once that treated me like a maid. Left her food on our table for days, and her clothes strewn all over the floor because I had nothing better to do than pick up after her. I remember asking her once, “How long are you going to leave that basket there? It’s in the way of the closet.” She glared at me and said, “Why?” Once, she came home from a frisbee game and left grass and mud in the bathtub. We had been friends before. She moved out at the end of the year without saying goodbye, and never spoke to me again.

When I was a junior, talking to friends about the way Belgium pushes its immigrant population into slums on the fringes of Brussels, one of them said, “Lyssa, you just need to go find Blackville.” I stood there, stunned into murderous silence. Realizing what she had said, she turned red and apologized. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to offend you!” Hadn't she? Was that meant as a compliment to Matongé, the Brussels neighborhood populated by African immigrants? “Well you did,” I snapped. I’ve never forgiven her.

When I was a senior, I was talking to a professor about the reasons why I didn’t like Clemson. I began with the story about my friends’ RA, and when I mentioned that the university failed to investigate my complaint, this man--a man with a wife, a mother, with daughters--said, “Okay, but that can’t be it.” I hope the things that were said to me are never said to his little girls. Babies, this is the sympathy you will get from your father.

Last year, my marketing professor used the Confederate flag as an example of a “confused positioning error.” You know, because history is so confusing.

These are my memories of college. There are more like these. There are more like these than there are of anything happy or good.

The people in these stories have names and I remember all of them, though I doubt any of them think of me anymore. I let them stay anonymous today because their names are not the point. The point is that while there have been a few bright spots in my educational experience, I look back on my college years and see a dark, dark cloud of otherness, loneliness, and not belonging. I see six years in a place whose culture was not my own, whose values were not my own--a place full of people who couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel grateful to just be there in the first place and who clearly didn't think I should be there at all (except, of course, as the maid).

This is not the experience Clemson will tell you that its students have, but I know I’m not alone. How can I be? I am not so special.


This is not the experience Clemson thinks it is capable of, but it is mine.

The Problem with Apathy

Two weeks ago, I applied for graduation and it didn’t feel anything like I remembered.

There was no sudden lightheartedness at the weight of college being lifted off my shoulders, no urge to cut cartwheels all over the house, no overwhelming joy. It didn’t feel like anything at all. It was like I was one of those women on Say Yes to the Dress that expects a big, teary-eyed AHA moment when they find the perfect gown, and then they get to Kleinfeld’s and nothing happens.

I remember exactly what it felt like in undergrad when it sank in that I was finally graduating. I had spent the 24 hours previous running all over hill and country trying to get a last-minute class substitution (because it’s never as easy as your adviser says it is), and was up all night rewriting an old paper leftover from engineering to make sure that class got substituted. I’m pretty sure I cried for 9 straight hours because there was a serious chance my request was going to get denied. I remember that the sun was shining that day and the sky was blue. It felt like cold relief.

Nothing like that happened this time. I just hit submit, closed my laptop, and watched Duck Dynasty for the next 4 hours. (I can see y’all judging me, and I’m telling you right now I don’t care)

My lack of reaction was disappointing.

I have fought Clemson tooth and nail for six long years. I hate the place. You guys know that. And all of that hate needs to manifest itself somehow, because it can’t stay bottled up inside of me. Most often it appears as snark and anger, both fueled by too much caffeine since I'm not much for drinking. It never wells up and dissolves into 4 hours of Duck Dynasty on my couch. I didn’t think too much about it at the time, but some time last week I had a horrifying thought.


Is apathy what happens when you stop caring and start settling?

That Part of the Population

I had another post planned for today, but that’s just going to have to wait. Thank the guy that sat next to me in class today, because this is alllllll about him.

There are a number of reasons why I didn’t like Clemson. One of those reasons is that I don’t like the way that they (certain students and fans of the school) talk about other people. You can take “other people” to mean whatever you want—socioeconomic status, race, different fraternity/sorority; whatever. I still don’t like the way they talk.

Take the guy that sat next to me. He’s an older man, mid-to-late 40s; white guy, looks like he’ll probably vote for Mitt Romney (was that last part mean? My bad). While talking to the guy in front of me, he mentions one of his employees. This guy apparently has been working really hard, so he asked him to take a trip up to do some activity that they have in common on an upcoming weekend. Sounds like a cool dude, right? I thought so too.

Until he started talking about dude’s wife. Admittedly, the wife sounds a little cray-cray (jealous, possessive, etc.), but instead of saying, “That chick is cray-cray,” or, “She’s really controlling,” he says, “And then his redneck wife calls me[…] There’s always trouble out of that part of the population.”

To be honest, I was expecting him to call her a bitch. He didn’t, which is good because oh Lord I might have gotten kicked out of class. It could be argued that redneck is more acceptable than bitch because it’s like ghetto only without the Black connotation so it’s alright. But this bro, he didn’t mean the Larry the Cable Guy/Jeff Foxworthy type of redneck—you know, the kind it’s fun to laugh at on TV/in the mall/that you go to Wal-Mart after 10 o’clock at night or watch Honey Boo Boo to see. Judging by the way he said three words, he meant the kind that is gum underneath his shoe.

I know I already said she sounds insane. In all honesty I would avoid her at all costs (the description got worse after that). The problem here is that we’ve moved from talking about one individual to an entire group.

What exactly do you mean, that part of the population? Are you talking about the poor? Uneducated? The country, the simple-minded? People who drive Lexuses (Lexi?) instead of Acuras? What exactly is your criteria for “that part of the population?” Is there anything that may be on that list that’s not too shallow for a worm to drown in?

I didn’t think so.

You will never hear me say this again

I’m starting to think that not living on campus with all the other kids is going to suck.

Background story: I hated living in Clemson/Central. It was horrible. The university is the town and that doesn’t do you much good when you don’t like the university to begin with. It was way too country even for my decidedly southern tastes: when you, like me, are without a vehicle and the nearest mall is 20+ minutes away and all the frat parties are in Anderson along with said mall you’re in for a miserable 4 years.

Yes, the easiest solution to that problem is to make friends with cars but don’t act like y’all don’t know I didn’t make many friends in college (and to the few I had, I was rather expendable). There. I said it. Are you happy now?

That aside, I was pretty stoked when I figured out that the MBA program was in Greenville. It’s right downtown, and it’s exactly 11 minutes from my driveway to the parking garage so I didn’t have to deal with all the crap I begrudgingly dealt with in undergrad (and am still bitter over). Plus, at the time I thought that all my friends from high school that I still keep in touch with were coming home after graduation like I was. Who needs to make new friends when your old friends are 15 minutes up the highway? Not me.

And then I figured out that I’m the only one staying here. Everyone else is teaching English overseas or going to grad school out of state or getting jobs and moving to DC/LA (I’m looking at you, Nina and Stacey). All of my other friends who are in Clemson for grad school are residing in Orange Hell because the MBA program is the only one in Greenville. In short, I have two of my besties from middle school and my mother.

This was not the plan.

So now I have to actually put in the effort to meeting people in the graduate program, only I’m not so sure that’s going to work for several reasons. Reason #1: they’re all older than me and some of them are married. Reason #2: I think I missed out on the “clique forming” part of orientation. Reason #3: I am painfully shy. Don’t make that face. I really am. The prospect of talking to strangers in a purely social setting terrifies me. In my head I coach myself before I say hello. It’s that bad. Social butterfly, I am not (until you get to know me). Reason #4: I can’t really join clubs. Explanation to #4 is below.

All of the clubs except for the MBASA (Master of Business Administration Student Association) are headquartered on Clemson’s campus. The clubs I was in in undergrad are on campus, Greek life is all on campus (for people my age), and so is everything else that I could possibly do with other people who are relatively where I am in life. Here’s an example: I recently learned via email that there’s a Black Graduate Student Union. There’s also a Black Student Union for undergrads, but I didn’t know it existed until I was a senior. “Awesome,” I thought as I read the email. “I can meet other (Black) grad students (because there are so few others in my classes)!”

And then I saw the time and place of the first meeting. 5 PM. On campus. Do you know what I’m doing at 5 PM? I’m picking my mother up from work. I don’t have a car of my own and I have to get to school somehow, so I take her to work in the mornings and use her car to go to class. If class ends at 4:45, her job is 20 minutes from home/class and it takes about 45 minutes for me to get to Clemson, what is the earliest time I could arrive at said meeting?

If you guessed 6:05 PM at the very earliest, you’d pretty much be right.

It’s almost the same story with the MBASA. Meetings are in Greenville, which is nice, but they’re at 5 PM. I’m doomed, I tell you. Doomed. Someone get me lots of cats and a musty old house.

Right about now would be a pretty good time to be living with mass transit (God bless the CAT bus) and other Clemson students.

You have no idea how much that pains me to admit.

And I will never, ever say it again.